Consideration
Jan. 14th, 2002 01:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chrisvenusI was thinking the other day. People have said to me in the past that you shouldn't care what other people think. What exactly do they mean by that? How far should you take the sentiment?
The reason I ask is because this morning on the way to work I connected that statement with a discussion I was in a while ago with somebody. He was of the opinion that he shouldn't ever have to do something because it was expected of him and that he shouldn't have to not do something because it would upset somebody.
At the time I coudlnt' beleive the extremes to which he took this. He didn't seem to see a problem in saying things that would be considered extremely insensitive and upsetting just because the other person perceived them as such, even if he didn't mean them as upsetting. I think he was of the opinion that upsetting people deliberately was bad but it wasn't his fault if somebody got upset by something not intended to upset.
The example given was along the lines of "would you try to avoid saying things that might remind somebody of a recently deceased loved one"? His answer was basically "no, its not my problem if they get upset when I talk about it."
I have been told in the past that I care too much about what other people think of me and I think it is true. I'm trying to work out a balance between how I am now and theother extreme as outlined above. Somewhere in there is the happy middle ground where I and everybody else will be happy, world peace will be declared and the end to famine will come. Well, maybe not that good but you know what I mean.
So, my question for the panel is "How much should you care about somebody else's feelings?"
My current attitude is "if I am going to upset somebody I will try not to do it, even if I upset myself instead". I do of course use the term "upset" to mean a variety of generally negative emotions such as being pissed off and other stuff like that. In general negative responses that will lower somebody's mood.
I'll leave it there for hopefully other people to give opinions, answers and so on.
The reason I ask is because this morning on the way to work I connected that statement with a discussion I was in a while ago with somebody. He was of the opinion that he shouldn't ever have to do something because it was expected of him and that he shouldn't have to not do something because it would upset somebody.
At the time I coudlnt' beleive the extremes to which he took this. He didn't seem to see a problem in saying things that would be considered extremely insensitive and upsetting just because the other person perceived them as such, even if he didn't mean them as upsetting. I think he was of the opinion that upsetting people deliberately was bad but it wasn't his fault if somebody got upset by something not intended to upset.
The example given was along the lines of "would you try to avoid saying things that might remind somebody of a recently deceased loved one"? His answer was basically "no, its not my problem if they get upset when I talk about it."
I have been told in the past that I care too much about what other people think of me and I think it is true. I'm trying to work out a balance between how I am now and theother extreme as outlined above. Somewhere in there is the happy middle ground where I and everybody else will be happy, world peace will be declared and the end to famine will come. Well, maybe not that good but you know what I mean.
So, my question for the panel is "How much should you care about somebody else's feelings?"
My current attitude is "if I am going to upset somebody I will try not to do it, even if I upset myself instead". I do of course use the term "upset" to mean a variety of generally negative emotions such as being pissed off and other stuff like that. In general negative responses that will lower somebody's mood.
I'll leave it there for hopefully other people to give opinions, answers and so on.
Note sure there are any hard answers either...
Date: 2002-01-15 03:23 am (UTC)In the long form - its the same sort of thing as "should you ever feel obligued to do favours for someone else (unasked)". A few years ago I would have gone with no, but I've changed my mind somewhat.
I think that being the sort of person who will speak their mind (even if they think it might upset someone else) can be good and consequently the sort of person you want to speak to when you want the truth (however hard). However, being that person you have to accept that others will sometimes want to have nothing to do with you; particularly anyone feeling depressed, upset or sensitive.
In short, not caring about the feelings of others can leave you short of friends or companions and you have to accept that as being part of the cost.
Where I'm going with this, is that when interacting with other people; anyone who takes this line is trying to find an easy way through life and has developed a personal set of rules (I want it to be simple, I always say what I feel). However, everyone else may (will) have a different set of life rules which they would probably argue are equally or more valid. When the two different sets of rules meet one or both of you have to bend these rules to work with each other; if you never bend your rules (ie. I continue to say what I feel) then it is quite likely that you will begin to annoy others who make some efforts to change their ways to work with you.
I'm done.
Dawn.
Re: Note sure there are any hard answers either...
Date: 2002-01-15 09:53 am (UTC)I think that saying "In short, not caring about the feelings of others can leave you short of friends or companions and you have to accept that as being part of the cost." is a great way of summarising things very well.
This leaves me only with the question of what level of consideration or whatever is "expected. I think this is something that is down to more specific one on one interactions (and yes, I know some of you have been saying this all along but its only just filtered down to my little brain).
Hmmm.... I think I might almost be happy with this subject for the time being. :) Time to go pondering my next big question. :)