Consideration
Jan. 14th, 2002 01:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chrisvenusI was thinking the other day. People have said to me in the past that you shouldn't care what other people think. What exactly do they mean by that? How far should you take the sentiment?
The reason I ask is because this morning on the way to work I connected that statement with a discussion I was in a while ago with somebody. He was of the opinion that he shouldn't ever have to do something because it was expected of him and that he shouldn't have to not do something because it would upset somebody.
At the time I coudlnt' beleive the extremes to which he took this. He didn't seem to see a problem in saying things that would be considered extremely insensitive and upsetting just because the other person perceived them as such, even if he didn't mean them as upsetting. I think he was of the opinion that upsetting people deliberately was bad but it wasn't his fault if somebody got upset by something not intended to upset.
The example given was along the lines of "would you try to avoid saying things that might remind somebody of a recently deceased loved one"? His answer was basically "no, its not my problem if they get upset when I talk about it."
I have been told in the past that I care too much about what other people think of me and I think it is true. I'm trying to work out a balance between how I am now and theother extreme as outlined above. Somewhere in there is the happy middle ground where I and everybody else will be happy, world peace will be declared and the end to famine will come. Well, maybe not that good but you know what I mean.
So, my question for the panel is "How much should you care about somebody else's feelings?"
My current attitude is "if I am going to upset somebody I will try not to do it, even if I upset myself instead". I do of course use the term "upset" to mean a variety of generally negative emotions such as being pissed off and other stuff like that. In general negative responses that will lower somebody's mood.
I'll leave it there for hopefully other people to give opinions, answers and so on.
The reason I ask is because this morning on the way to work I connected that statement with a discussion I was in a while ago with somebody. He was of the opinion that he shouldn't ever have to do something because it was expected of him and that he shouldn't have to not do something because it would upset somebody.
At the time I coudlnt' beleive the extremes to which he took this. He didn't seem to see a problem in saying things that would be considered extremely insensitive and upsetting just because the other person perceived them as such, even if he didn't mean them as upsetting. I think he was of the opinion that upsetting people deliberately was bad but it wasn't his fault if somebody got upset by something not intended to upset.
The example given was along the lines of "would you try to avoid saying things that might remind somebody of a recently deceased loved one"? His answer was basically "no, its not my problem if they get upset when I talk about it."
I have been told in the past that I care too much about what other people think of me and I think it is true. I'm trying to work out a balance between how I am now and theother extreme as outlined above. Somewhere in there is the happy middle ground where I and everybody else will be happy, world peace will be declared and the end to famine will come. Well, maybe not that good but you know what I mean.
So, my question for the panel is "How much should you care about somebody else's feelings?"
My current attitude is "if I am going to upset somebody I will try not to do it, even if I upset myself instead". I do of course use the term "upset" to mean a variety of generally negative emotions such as being pissed off and other stuff like that. In general negative responses that will lower somebody's mood.
I'll leave it there for hopefully other people to give opinions, answers and so on.
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Hmmm...
Date: 2002-01-14 08:48 am (UTC)My viewpoint, which I am bad at explaining and so I'm not sure if it will make any sense, is that you have to take responsibilities for your actions. And speaking is an action. Words are one of the most powerful things we have - they convey thoughts, feelings - everything which makes up a person. You hit someone with your fist they will get a bruise on their skin for a week. You hit someone verbally they can still have mental bruises years later. Words have huge power, and so when you speak to someone you have to accept that you are taking an action which can have massive consequences. No one claims that it is not their problem if someone says 'ouch' if they punch them. Why should it be different with words?
Of course - sometimes people get hurt by accident, or you have to hurt them in the short term so they can feel better in the long term etc, and I don't think there is much point in beating yourself up about that, but in general I think that it is wrong to try and dodge responsibility for your actions just because they are something which cannot be pinned done like words.
If you hurt someone by reminding them of something like a loved one who died then you have hurt someone in the same way you would if you stuck your foot out and someone tripped over it. And in my opinion people who just snigger and say 'you should have looked where you were going' are pretty damn annoying and I have a very low opinion of them. I would have the same opinion of someone who just didn't care if they hurt someone else verbally.
Sally
Re: Hmmm...
Date: 2002-01-14 09:20 am (UTC)A lot of things ultimately come down to responsibility and that is something that I will sometime write a large post on since I think responsibility is a fairly major issue to me.
The trouble is the other end of the extreme (effective slavery to everybody else's whims with no regards for personal desires) is really not a good way to live. I live near that end of the spectrum. Far enough away that I wouldn't describe myself as a slave or anything but I think close enough that I am sometimes considered to be manipulable or whatever.
My question is really where do others think is a good place to be. How much should you place others well-being over your own? how much would you hurt another to stop yourself from being hurt?
The other thing that occurs to me is properly identifying what you do and don't want to do. For example I would probably (no guarantees) give my life to save somebody else's life. This isn't as big a sacrifice for me as it might be. Partly because I think dieing a hero would be one of the best ways to die and partly because I don't have as much love and zest for life as others (though I do have a healthy fear of death). I think being honest with yourself about your desires helps a lot. However, sometimes this isn't too easy to do.
Ummm... that got off of the direct reply thread but as you probably realise, my live journal is a place where I randomly get thoughts out of my head and it rapidly sidetracks all over the show. :)