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Not goodness
Dec. 3rd, 2004 11:48 pmI'm feeling very down at the moment. Looking back I think its been building over the last week. I've had a growing sense of unease and a feeling like there was something missing. It was only today that I realised that I was on one of my down patches and that's why I'd been feeling odd.
Today hasn't been too bad but this evening I kept feeling very detached from thigns and like nothing mattered. To quote buffyness I felt like I was just going through the motions. I found myself wishing people happy christmas and new year, it being the end of term so I won't see some peopel til next year now, and realised that I didn't really mean any of it. Not that I didn't want them to have a happy christmas, just that it made no difference to me whether they did or not.
This kind of detachment is somethign I very much dislike. I think it is partly as a reaction to trying to be too controlled mentally about too many things. I need to let go more often and go out and get drunk r something. I'm just not very good at letting go. So I try to be in control of myself all the time and think too hard and plan too much and worry far more than is good. And I think this is my bodies way of saying "sod that". I don't care about the future, I don't much care about the present, I'm not bothered enough to worry about things. Its my mind having an enforced break in a way.
I don't like being like this though. I'm not sure why though thinking about it. Its not all depression, its just got spots of unhappiness and wanting to cry. Mostly its just the detachment which by its very nature isn't unhappy. I guess its because its very alien that I don't like it. Or possibly because I am generally so unproductive when I'm like this. I'll have a tendancy to just sit and play minesweeper for hours on end, not being enthused enough about doing anything else to stop.
So that's where I sit now. Lurking on IRC channels that aren't saying much, writing LJ which is a little better than a self-pitying whinge since it has a bit of self-psychology in it. That probably just makes it pretentious self-pitying tripe though which may even be worse.
This may also disappear in the morning when I realise how unnecessary it really is to subject the public to this. For now though, it stays.
Today hasn't been too bad but this evening I kept feeling very detached from thigns and like nothing mattered. To quote buffyness I felt like I was just going through the motions. I found myself wishing people happy christmas and new year, it being the end of term so I won't see some peopel til next year now, and realised that I didn't really mean any of it. Not that I didn't want them to have a happy christmas, just that it made no difference to me whether they did or not.
This kind of detachment is somethign I very much dislike. I think it is partly as a reaction to trying to be too controlled mentally about too many things. I need to let go more often and go out and get drunk r something. I'm just not very good at letting go. So I try to be in control of myself all the time and think too hard and plan too much and worry far more than is good. And I think this is my bodies way of saying "sod that". I don't care about the future, I don't much care about the present, I'm not bothered enough to worry about things. Its my mind having an enforced break in a way.
I don't like being like this though. I'm not sure why though thinking about it. Its not all depression, its just got spots of unhappiness and wanting to cry. Mostly its just the detachment which by its very nature isn't unhappy. I guess its because its very alien that I don't like it. Or possibly because I am generally so unproductive when I'm like this. I'll have a tendancy to just sit and play minesweeper for hours on end, not being enthused enough about doing anything else to stop.
So that's where I sit now. Lurking on IRC channels that aren't saying much, writing LJ which is a little better than a self-pitying whinge since it has a bit of self-psychology in it. That probably just makes it pretentious self-pitying tripe though which may even be worse.
This may also disappear in the morning when I realise how unnecessary it really is to subject the public to this. For now though, it stays.