Not goodness

[chrisvenus]

I'm feeling very down at the moment. Looking back I think its been building over the last week. I've had a growing sense of unease and a feeling like there was something missing. It was only today that I realised that I was on one of my down patches and that's why I'd been feeling odd.

Today hasn't been too bad but this evening I kept feeling very detached from thigns and like nothing mattered. To quote buffyness I felt like I was just going through the motions. I found myself wishing people happy christmas and new year, it being the end of term so I won't see some peopel til next year now, and realised that I didn't really mean any of it. Not that I didn't want them to have a happy christmas, just that it made no difference to me whether they did or not.

This kind of detachment is somethign I very much dislike. I think it is partly as a reaction to trying to be too controlled mentally about too many things. I need to let go more often and go out and get drunk r something. I'm just not very good at letting go. So I try to be in control of myself all the time and think too hard and plan too much and worry far more than is good. And I think this is my bodies way of saying "sod that". I don't care about the future, I don't much care about the present, I'm not bothered enough to worry about things. Its my mind having an enforced break in a way.

I don't like being like this though. I'm not sure why though thinking about it. Its not all depression, its just got spots of unhappiness and wanting to cry. Mostly its just the detachment which by its very nature isn't unhappy. I guess its because its very alien that I don't like it. Or possibly because I am generally so unproductive when I'm like this. I'll have a tendancy to just sit and play minesweeper for hours on end, not being enthused enough about doing anything else to stop.

So that's where I sit now. Lurking on IRC channels that aren't saying much, writing LJ which is a little better than a self-pitying whinge since it has a bit of self-psychology in it. That probably just makes it pretentious self-pitying tripe though which may even be worse.

This may also disappear in the morning when I realise how unnecessary it really is to subject the public to this. For now though, it stays.

Comments

[taimatsu]

:( Not good. FWIW, I do this too sometimes, and understand how it feels - everything you say here makes sense to me.

If I can help, let me know. Life is looking a bit packed over the next few weeks, but if you would like to meet up and do something fun (cinema? board games? video games? DVDs?) give me a shout. And after the 'olidays I will definitely arrange to meet up with you and be sociable.

[slappersire.livejournal.com]

How does a break away from stuff sound?

Go somewhere else/see other people/ do different stuff, see if that doesn't kick you up the arse a bit and get back some feeling.

I know that when I hit the deadened state I usually need some form of kick to get moving again. If you come up here I promise to kick you...... that probably sounds less appealing than it could do.

[pure-simon.livejournal.com]

It's one of the reasons I'm being more open about my mental states, actually saying "I'm feeling this" can not only get helpful suggestions from others around you, but also helps you confront the situation and start taking steps towards "improvement"(?).

Control can be good, but sometimes you just need to let go, if only for a few hours or so, go out clubbing, go out for drinks, meet up with friends, and just be how you want to be, it may be helpful.

Of course, I don't claim any particular level of fixed or sane, so you may wish to ignore me ;)

[inskauldrak.livejournal.com]

Hey dude,

1. Vitamins - this time of year is when we apparently get less of some because of less sun and all (I think it's vitamin D?). Whatever it is, it means people are more likely to feel 'down' - so worth checking out.

2. Better to recognise your feelings than not because then you can work them through both objectively and emotionally.

3. If you fancy a jaunt down to London for a break, a sofa bed can be booked for you at my gaff.

4. If you fancy a chat, give me a call

5. "This may also disappear in the morning" Even if you delete this post, the advice and more importantly the offer(s) still stand. Please remember that.

[susanofstohelit.livejournal.com]

and full spectrum light bulbs and sunlamps - great for people who get mild seasonal affective disorder.

[liriselei.livejournal.com]

you gonna be FLRPing tomorrow ?
hitting things with rubber swords - always therapuetic.
plus hugs available on request !

[bateleur.livejournal.com]

In the immortal words of the Overclocked Lemon:

[sentientfiction.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I truly relate to most of what you've said...especially the apathy, it can be such an insidious destructive force.

I'll have a tendancy to just sit and play minesweeper for hours on end, not being enthused enough about doing anything else to stop.

I know this one. I wish I had something more useful to say, but I will say this anyway - try not to stop doing things...try as much as you can to get out and about and doing things, no matter how low key. In the Spring, when I returned to Oxford but didn't yet have a job, I was not leaving the house for days on end, which of course only made it even more difficult to find the motivation to go anywhere and made me feel even more stagnant. Take care x

[mippy.livejournal.com]

For some reason I find IRC very, very depressing. So many dull people who cannot spell...or am i using the wrong channels?

[chrisvenus]

I generally go for IRC channgels of people I know in real life. Or at least I know a fairly high proportion of them anyway. It makes for better or at least more real conversation.